Operation: Santa's Elves
by JonesnInDaHood
Summary: When local cop Edward Cullen breaks into Bella Swan's house to stuff her stockings, he gets more than he bargained for. A Christmas TwiFic Drabble dedicated to our readers.
1. Chapter 1

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter One**

**(Hoodie)**

"Magazine Pouch?" Edward asks.

"Check," Ty replies.

"ECD?"

"Check." Tyler pats the trusty taser secured to his duty belt.

"Baton?"

"Check."

"Cuffs?"

"Check."

".40 caliber pistol."

"Ch—dammit, where's my gun?"

Ty walks around the station, patting his belt from front to back, his brow wrinkled in confusion. Chuckling, Edward pours himself a cup of joe and chats with a couple of inmates he's known his whole life. He checks in on old Waylon, who's drying out in the drunk tank. Edward and Ty caught him and one of his buddies taking turns pushing each other in an abandoned buggy in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot last night around midnight.

Detective Jessica Stanley leans back at her desk, propping her feet up and disrupting a stack of papers. "Where'd you hide Ty's gun, Edward?"

"In that box of donuts you brought in this morning."

"Jesus Christ. You guys act like a couple of kids instead of thirty-year-old men."

"Serves him right," Edward says with a snort. "Got a noise complaint last night and we went to bust up a party thrown by some underage kids. Ty pulls up, I climb out, and he leaves my ass there. Turns on the siren before he leaves. Kids come running and screaming out of the house, half naked, drunk, and nearly trampling me. Left me there for a good hour before he picked me up. Besides, the gun's not loaded."

"Do the two of you take anything seriously?" Jessica blows the steam off her own cup of coffee and takes a long sip.

"Not typically, but today … today we take things seriously." Edward grins, his eyes lighting up with happiness. "Because today is Operation: Santa's Elves."

Jessica nearly chokes on the mouthful of coffee. She coughs, sputtering and covering her mouth with one hand. "Operation: Santa's Elves? What's that? The two of you breaking up some kind of underground candy cane ring?"

"Very funny." Edward leans on Jessica's desk, a smile on his lips as he crosses his arms over his impressive chest. "Operation: Santa's Elves is something Ty and I came up with a couple of years ago. We buy gifts for kids who would otherwise not get much of anything for Christmas."

Jessica, who's new to the department and the small town of Forks, Washington, raises her eyebrows, gazing at Edward in an entirely different light. Since moving to town, she'd viewed him and his buddy Ty as two guys who never take life too seriously, always worried about pulling one over on each other more than anything else, or so she thought.

A cynic at heart, she's not entirely convinced of the authenticity of his words. "So who pays for these gifts? The tax payers?"

"No way," Edward says with a frown. "I save up all year to donate. Most of the other cops in the department do the same."

"And you do this on the department's time?"

"Usually during our lunch break, or after hours on our free time."

Jessica removes her feet from the desk, swallowing the rare knot of emotion in her throat. "That's really … sweet, Edward."

Edward's eyes go a little wild at the sight of the uptight detective biting her lip and staring up at him. He clears his throat, tosses his empty coffee cup in the trash, and backs away from the desk.

"Welp, guess I ought to help Ty find his gun. Got to grab some gifts during lunch for a Miss …" Edward pulls a slip of paper from the breast pocket of his uniform. "For a Miss Bethany Swan."

Jessica opens her mouth, but the only thing that comes out is a startled scream. A shot rings out in the building, followed by a low curse.

"Edward!" Ty hollers. "You summabitch!"

Edward grins and shrugs at Jessica's startled eyes, the blood draining from her face. "Hey, I _thought_ it was unloaded."

* * *

><p>Guess who's back? Back again. JonesnInDaHood's back. Tell a friend.<p>

This is Hoodie here. *waves* We've decided to write a Christmas drabble because we miss the shit out of y'all! Not sure about update dates, but our goal is to have all the chapters posted by the end of December. *crosses fingers* This story is inspired by a video we found on Facebook showing a couple of cops delivering gifts to a well-deserving family at Christmastime. It touched our hearts and hopefully this story will touch yours as well.

Jonesn is up next. Can't wait to see what that fanfic h00r comes up with. :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Two**

**(Jonesn)**

* * *

><p>Luckily, the only casualty of Edward's thoughtless prank had been the office watercooler. But after he and Ty cleaned up that mess, they had to suffer the captain's wrath before filling out a slew of paperwork, and now they are running late. Way later than either one of them anticipated, and Ty's live-in girlfriend, Lauren is never going to understand.<p>

Damn that idiot, Newton. Even if he had thought the pistol was a gun shaped donut, wouldn't he have realized it wasn't before pulling the trigger?

"Dumbass actually pulled the trigger," Ty says.

Shaking his head, Edward hangs a right onto 34th St. "Welp." Pulling up to park along a broken piece of curb, he cuts the engine. "This is Mike we're talking about. Remember when he locked himself in the back of his cruiser to prove to a perp there was no getting out?" Both chuckle when Tyler nods. "Makes perfect sense if you ask me."

Climbing out of the cruiser, Edward tugs on his snug, green tights, wishing he had opted for leggings instead.

_Christ._

Did he really just think that?

In a perfect world, he could deliver gifts and wear his uniform, too. But as it turns out this world is far from perfect (a fact proven by the living conditions of these underprivileged kids) and a big heart can't go unpunished. Not unless he wants a repeat of last year...

"I get why we have to dress up," Ty says, drawing Edward's attention back to the car. "But don't you think if the kids wake up this time they'll be equally traumatized to find black Santa casing their living room?"

Stooping down, Edward peers at his not-so-jolly friend, trying not to laugh as Ty adjusts his padded belly and straightens his fluffy, white beard. "This is 2014." Edward reminds him. "You're racially diverse Santa and I'm your trusty elf. Now, get your fat ass out of the cruiser and help me with the toys."

Twelve flights of stairs later and Ty is huffing and puffing, ready to blow Apt 23's door down.

"How many times have I told you to throw some cardio into the mix?" Edward asks. "I really think you should start working out with me, 3 days a week, 2 hours a day. I'll have you sprinting up these stairs by next year."

_Next year? _Ty thinks. He'll be lucky to make it to the next delivery at the rate this evening is going.

Wheezing and unable to answer, Ty fishes key #1 out from beneath his wide, leather belt, and once they're inside, Edward swiftly moves into action, leaving behind a shuffling, disheveled Santa.

They both notice that this apartment is much nicer than the one's they are used to seeing. The walls are without any holes and painted a fresh shade of beige. Black picture frames lead the way into a cozy, Christmas light lit living room.

"Cute family," Ty remarks, taking a seat on the lumpy sofa.

Nodding, Edward agrees. "Yea, real cute," he says distractedly, pulling one Miss Bethany Swan's toys from inside Santa's crushed velvet bag. He pauses when he hears the distinct sound of snoring. Looking back to find Ty passed out from apparent exhaustion, he senses the attack just as it comes from the left.

* * *

><p>Hey, ho-ho-hos! I missed you! I also missed writing with my Hoodie (that was until I realized when she said she can't wait to see what this h00r comes up with, she actually meant how many ideas she could shut down) -_- I still love her tho, and her cute, little delusions that Santa can actually drop by while you're out and about, nibbling on tasty chicken strips at the local Friendly's... Please. Everybody knows Santa comes when you're sleeping. Everybody.<p>

Special thanks to her Minnie-me for obsessing over racial diversity. That was probably the funniest scene of this whole chap, and it's all because of Hoodie.

Happy Holidays! We hope you enjoy!

The murderer of merriness is up next ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Three**

**(Hoodie)**

Edward knows the identity of his assailant the moment he turns his way. The family photos lined along the walls capture his image in each one. His name dangles from the charm hanging from his neck. The words, stamped deep in metal, identify him as Mr. Nibbles, the family cat, who's currently flinging himself from where he's perched inside the lit Christmas tree. Claws exposed, the orange tabby releases a vicious meow, flinging himself against Edward's body, and sinking his sharp claws into Edward's thighs.

"Son of a—" Edward hollers, waking Ty.

Ty lets out one last snore and sits up on the couch, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Those eyes widen, his mouth gaping open like a fish as Edward twirls in circles around the living room, a fat ball of fur flopping around near his crotch.

"Get this damn cat off me!"

Ty tries to stand, but falls back onto the couch from the added weight of his padding. Struggling to get up, he freezes momentarily as the cat howls one last time and falls to the floor, dragging Edward's tights down with him. Edward lurches forward, the tights encasing his ankles. Losing his balance, he wobbles on his heels before pitching forward, landing on the sparkling Christmas tree.

Branches go flying, ornaments crack and shatter on the ground. Somehow Edward lands before the tree does, nothing but his boxers, ripped tights, and shiny black boots visible under the faux branches, broken ornaments, garland and tinsel. Mr. Nibbles scampers from the room. Edward pushes the tree off him, glaring at Ty, whose padded belly shakes with laughter. The two men have forgotten that they're supposed to be quiet as they deliver Santa's goodies. Their encounter with the cat has caused quite a commotion, but not as much commotion as Bella Swan brings as she enters the room.

"What the hell is going on in here?" she hisses, flipping on the lights.

Edward climbs to his feet, hiking his torn tights up and squinting from the sudden bright light. In front of him stands an angel, an angel with a purple eye mask pushed up on her forehead, her thick, dark hair tangled in a sexy mess, her sleep shorts too short, her camisole too thin, wielding a golf club and lurching forward. Edward's pulse races at the sight of the twenty-something woman, his body, embarrassingly enough, reacting to Bella's dark nipples puckering under her top. He turns to the side, subtly adjusting himself before grabbing the tree from the floor and hiding his crotch behind it in shame.

"Ma'am, we're so sorry," Ty begins, standing and holding his hands up in surrender. "I'm the cop you spoke to earlier."

"Alice said you'd be quiet," she hisses, glancing uneasily at the dark hallway from which she emerged. "I told her she shouldn't have nominated me. If you wake Bethany …" Bella points the golf club at Edward's crotch. "And what's going on here?"

"I can explain," Edward says. "I was about to stuff your stocking when your pussy attacked me."

* * *

><p>Jonesn preread this chapter and said, "We are ridiculous." What do you think?<p>

She also says I turn everything sexual.

Bah, humbug.


	4. Chapter 4

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Four**

**(Jonesn)**

* * *

><p>"Did you actually just refer to Mr. Nibbles as my pussy?" The angry angel asks as Edward sets the tree upright on its stand. Crossing one hand over the other, they barely cover the impressive, green bulge he's trying to hide protruding from between his legs. A fact not gone unnoticed by the sleepy beauty standing at the ready in front of him. But before he can get in another word, he's seeing double.<p>

"Mommy, what was that noise?" Little Bethany asks, rubbing her tired eyes as she rounds the corner into the living room. She takes in the mess of busted bulbs and scattered tinsel, then sucks in a short breath as her wide eyes meet a pair of shiny, black boots. "Santa, is that you?" she asks, pushing past her mother's outstretched arm and heading straight for Ty. "Did you get my letter? I swear I've been good. Were you able to find everything on the list?" The kid barely takes a breath. "It's okay if you didn't. I really just want the book. Did you at least find the book?"

The book little Bethany is referring to is a first edition, The Velveteen Rabbit. (The one thing on the list Edward couldn't find, let alone afford).

Was this adorable, little kid crazy? Didn't she realize the elves _made_ the toys? And a book was hardly a toy. Not to mention, with the economy circling the toilet the way it was, Santa was on a budget.

"Uh..." Ty looks to Edward who just shakes his head and shrugs. Trusty elf, his ass. A lot of help he is. Bending down to Bethany's level, Ty says, "I guess you'll just have to wait till morning and see, like all the other little boys and girls."

Edward's big heart practically breaks. _She's going to be so disappointed, _he thinks, unclasping his hands from in front of his crotch, the problem he had now long gone. His eyes lift to catch Bella's shimmering in the twinkling Christmas lights. Momentarily holding his stare, she lowers it just in time to catch a tear.

Reaching up, Bethany tangles her fingers into Ty's bushy beard and surprisingly avoids pulling on it.

"Did you just get back from vacation?" she asks, prompting Ty to say in return, "Well, yes I did. Why do you ask?"

Brown eyes filled with holiday mirth, she scans Ty's face with a thoughtful look. "Cause Aunt Alice always comes back from vacation with a tan. She says it's the whole reason for going, to bask in the sun and bake brown as a bear."

"Bethany!" Bella scolds, and Ty holds up a hand, both him and Edward trying not to laugh out loud.

"That's okay, ma'am," Ty says. "Ain't nothing wrong with a little honesty." He turns his attention back to Bethany. "Didn't your mommy ever tell you Santa's black?" He asks, and she shakes her head. "Just what I feared. You've been brain washed by your people." Patting her on the head, he straightens and tucks his thumbs into his belt. "Since we're being honest," he continues to Edward's dismay. "I feel I should tell you that my trusty elf here was just telling me how cute he thinks y-"

"Welp, we really should get going." Edward interrupts, a look of warning on his face. "It's getting pretty late, and we've got a lot of toys left to deliver... Right, Santa?"

Ty smugly adjusts his belt. "I suppose you're right," he says, before pulling a contact card from inside his pocket and handing it to the little girl. "You or your mom need anything," he says, "and I mean anything, you give that number a call. Alright?"

Nodding, Bethany's takes the card from between his fingers. Her and Ty both exchange a sly smile and a wink before he takes off, assisting Edward in a sad excuse for clean up as they both head for the door.

Ty speaks for both him and a tongue-tied Edward as they pass. "Evening ma'am, terribly sorry for the mess."

Once they're outside, being peppered by powdery white snow, Edward's finally able to breathe. "So, that was a disaster," he says, climbing into the driver's side. Nodding, Ty smiles and climbs in after him.

"Brain washed by your people?" Edward muses. Ty only shrugs. Edward shakes his head. "What did you give her anyway? The number to your sister's cleaning service?" Edward asks, letting Ty buckle up before pulling away from the curb. He nearly crashes into an oncoming salt truck when Ty tells him, "Nope. I gave her yours."

* * *

><p>I've been watching too much Key &amp; Peele.<p>

Guess who's up next!


	5. Chapter 5

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Five**

**(Hoodie)**

The next morning, Edward arrives at his parents' house as he and his sister do every Christmas. Blurry-eyed from lack of sleep, Edward yawns and makes his way inside the house, forgoing the doorbell. He finds his mother in the kitchen, standing over the fixings for some chocolate chip pancakes. Esme Cullen smiles, but it quickly fades away at the sight of her haggard looking youngest child. Dark shadows trouble his face, worry lines crease his brow. He plops down at the kitchenette and bangs his head on the table.

Esme places the pancake batter on the bar and joins her son at the table. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"No sleep," he mumbles against the wood. "Operation: Santa's Elves."

"Ah," Esme says with a smile. "My baby boy was up all night handing out gifts. Always giving to those in need."

"Mom, don't start."

"You've never forgotten your past have you, sweet boy? And look at you now. Giving kids the perfect Christmas, the Christmas you never had as a small child."

"Not the perfect Christmas," Edward replies, raising his head. "Last night … there was this kid. Her name's Bethany and she's eight. She asked for a first edition copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. What kind of kid asks for that?"

"A smart one," a voice says.

Rosie, Edward's older sister, walks into the room, shoves her thick, black glasses up the bridge of her nose and grins. Neither Esme nor Edward heard her enter the room, but both find it unsurprising. Rosie always seems to materialize wherever and whenever she's needed. Rosie tugs on the blonde braid draped over her shoulder and eases onto the chair beside her mother.

"Thank God, you're here," Edward says, his voice riddled with anxiety. "You gotta help me out. You're the book expert. How much for a first edition Velveteen?"

Rosie, the owner of one of the most prominent independent bookstores this side of Seattle, screws up her face in thought. "I saw a first edition online a few months ago. Seems like it sold for around seventeen."

"Seventeen hundred?"

Rosie snorts and smooths out the front of her sweater vest. "Try seventeen _thousand_."

"Seventeen thousand?" Edward's mouth falls open. "There's no way I can afford that."

Rosie and Esme both stare at Edward in astonishment before Rosie replies.

"Of course you can't. Why are you even thinking … Edward, you're not considering trying to find her that book, are you? How well do you know this kid?"

"I don't know her at all. All I know about the family is what the nominee's coworker told me and Ty. Single mother and an eight-year-old kid with a fondness for rare books." Edward digs the Christmas wish list Alice gave him out of his wallet. "There's more than just the book on the list that was impossible for me to give her."

Rosie grins and snatches the paper out of his hand. "Yeah? And what's that? A new Xbox? The PS4? Those aren't so hard to find anymore."

"Wish it were that simple, Sis." Edward sighs, remembering a similar wish when he was around the same age. "Little Bethany Swan not only wants a rare book, she also wants Santa to help her find her father."

Esme pats her son's hand and gives him a sympathetic smile. The shrill ring of Edward's cell phone cuts through any discomfort threatening to brew in the air. An unfamiliar number flashes on the screen, but Edward immediately answers.

"Hello?"

There's a brief silence followed by the quick, excited breaths of a child. "Mr. Elf, this is Bethany Swan and I have a Christmas emergency."

Edward jumps to his feet. "What kind of emergency?"

Bethany sniffs, her voice trembling. "I heard Mommy talking to my Aunt Alice. She said something is wrong with Mr. Nibbles ... and it's all your fault!"

Confused, Edward shrugs his shoulders at his mother, who is watching him with a look of concern. "Calm down sweetie and tell me exactly what's wrong with Mr. Nibbles."

"Well, he's acting fine, and he _looks_ fine, but Mommy says ... Mommy told Aunt Alice ..."

"Told Aunt Alice what?"

Bethany's response comes out in a tearful wail. "I overheard Mommy tell Aunt Alice that she met you last night and the sight of you set her pussy on fire!"

* * *

><p>Take that for sexual innuendos, Jonesn (who hasn't read the ending of this chapter and will probably kill me tomorrow lolololol).<p>

Jonesn tried to write me into a corner with the Velveteen Rabbit bs on Christmas Eve. First edition! The pricing info could be wrong. I did the best I could researching on such short notice *insert glare* All I gotta say is ... payback's a bitch. Can't wait to see how she follows up after this chapter. :D

We'd like to thank the Fic Sisters for featuring Operation: Santa's Elves at The International House of Fanfic! They also made us a beautiful banner that I will be posting in place of the crappy one I made! Thank you ladies so very much. :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Six**

**(Jonesn)**

* * *

><p>Taken by surprise, Edward chokes on his own spit.<p>

"Edward, honey. Are you okay? Is everything okay?" His mother asks, patting him on the back and he nods. Swatting her hand away, he clears his throat.

"Uh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay," Edward promises, more to Bethany than his mother, as he excuses himself from the table. "But, just so we're clear, nothing and no one is on fire, correct?" he asks, as he rounds the corner, seeking some privacy in his old bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he decides this is the spot where he'll jack it to the image of Bella all hot and bothered later. Oh, yeah. He knows exactly how to douse those flames. The damage he could do to that-

"No. Nobody's on fire."

_Right_, he thinks. _Pull yourself together and pay attention, Cullen. There's a distressed, little girl on the other line for Christ sakes. _

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he shakes his head just as Bethany's voice drifts back through the receiver. "Not anymore," she says. "And momma said it wasn't anything a couple double-A batteries and a cold shower couldn't fix. But it's still your fault." Bethany continues. "And I'm holding you responsible if anything bad happens to Mr. Nibbles from now on. You hear me, Mr. Elf?"

Edward can't help the smile that spreads across his face because he hears her. In fact, he thinks the whole town of Forks hears her... including her mother.

"Bethany Anne, what did I tell you about making phone calls without my permission? 911. That's the only exception, and I don't see any fires." It's the same angry tone Bella used on him and his partner Ty the night before. He gets that same tightening in his pants from the tingles shooting down his spine.

"But momma..."

"Who is that you're talking to anyway? Is it Alice?" There's a slight pause. "So, did I just catch you sassing one of your little friends again? You know they don't like that."

Edward can't imagine why.

What was it about this woman's bark that bit him the right way? It wasn't like he liked that kind of treatment. He didn't have a fetish... not that he knew of, which you think he would by now. Bless him. He'd been screamed at multiple times by countless women over the years and never had it turned him on.

Well... not this much.

The smile fades from Edward's lips when Bethany tells her mother the truth-that she's talking to the elf. (The one who did that-one-thing to her you-know-what). And he nearly dies when Bella insists Bethany hand over the phone.

Heart pounding against his chest, he hasn't felt this alive since the first time he pulled a trigger. Just the sound of her breath blowing into the receiver has him flustered and ready to run. Straight to her apartment is where he'd head.

For a brief moment there's nothing but silence then... "Hello?..." Some muffled whispers then, "Mr. Elf?" He can almost hear the roll of her eyes.

Adjusting himself on the bed, he licks his drying lips. "Uh, it's Edward, actually. You can call me Edward." Or dumbass. Whichever.

"Uh, okay then, Edward. I'm sorry if Miss Mouth here interrupted your Christmas." Edward hears a tiny _sorry, Mr. Elf... I mean Mr. Edward, _before Bella's back on the line. "I-" she starts, but Edward interrupts.

"It's no problem. No problem at all. She can call whenever she wants. Or you..." Edward adds, his pits profusely sweating. Swallowing, he fans his shirt. "Anytime."

"Oh, well-" Bella starts again, but Edward can't find it in him to shut the hell up.

"I'm actually glad she called. I was hoping to talk to you again, possibly see you. I mean, if you wanted." Edward cringes. This whole scenario had gone much better in his head.

He almost regrets saying anything once the line goes silent. It seems like the longest time before Bella exhales. "Okay."

* * *

><p>So, pregnancy sucks and Hoodie's a ho. Is there such a thing as a cracked vagina?<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Seven**

(Hoodie's longish chapter because she's super slow and she's totes sorry for slacking *takes a deep breath* Sorry!)

* * *

><p>The following Friday night Edward sits at the bar at the local watering hole. Sitting beside him is the date he never expected.<p>

"You like these jeans?" Ty asks, pivoting on his barstool and extending one leg. "You think they make me look fat? Why does my girlfriend only buy skinny jeans? Whatever happened to bootcut? I personally happen to _love_ bootcut."

"Kill me now," Edward murmurs against his beer. He takes a long pull, slams the bottle on the bar, and motions for the bartender. "Bring me another 'un."

"Slow down, man," Ty says. "You can drink all night if you want, but it's not gonna make me any prettier than that little brunette who stood you up."

"She didn't stand me up," Edward replies, frowning. "She said she had a previous engagement."

"Stoodyouup," Ty coughs, grinning around his own beer. "Look at the bright side. Girl did you a favor. The chick is obviously frigid."

Edward pouts. "She told her friend that the sight of me set her pussy on fire. She agreed to a date."

"When you asked her out she said _okay_." Ty polishes off his beer, grimacing as the bartender pushes another longneck Edward's way. "Just _okay_? Was there a gasp of excitement? An inkling of hidden elation?"

Edward's face clouds over with glumness. "No. Just … _okay_."

Ty sighs, shooting his friend a sad smile. "Like I said, frigid, bro."

_~OsE~_

A few days pass by without another word from Bella. Edward mulls over calling her and rescheduling their date, but the ball is in her court with her being the one who'd cancelled on him to begin with. New Years Eve creeps up, the thrill of which pushes the rejection he'd felt earlier in the week to the back of his mind. Edward spends midnight of the new year sitting on Ty's back porch, grinning at Ty's kids as they shoot off bottle rockets and firecrackers with their dad.

Edward's phone wakes him the next morning, the little lifeline vibrating against his face. Blurry eyed, he sits up and glances around in confusion. He'd fallen asleep on Ty's couch after a long night of fireworks and beer, a dangerous combination as evidenced by the scorched flesh on Edward's right hand.

_Did I really hold that Roman Candle in my hand and light it … backwards?_

Shaking the absurd, fuzzy memory from his mind, he answers the phone without taking a glimpse at the caller ID.

"Yello?" he says with a yawn.

"Mr. Edward Elf?" a tiny, trembling voice asks, fraught with emotion.

Edward's heavy lids spring open and he stands in attention. "Bethany?"

"Yes, sir," Bethany sniffs. "Can you come to my house? It's an emergency."

Before Edward gets a chance to ask what's going on, his cell dies. Cursing, he shoves the device inside a pocket of his wrinkled jeans and grabs his hoodie, heading to the door, panic budding in his chest. He nearly collides with Ty, who steps through his bedroom door rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Whoa, where's the fire?"

"Bethany Swan called. Said it's an emergency. Phone died before I could find out what's going on."

"Jesus," Ty mutters, ducking back into his bedroom to tell Lauren he'll be back soon. When he reappears, he's wearing his uniform and utility belt. Edward blinks at him in astonishment.

"How'd you get ready so fast?"

"Always be prepared," Ty replies, grinning. "Police motto."

"Yeah, I think that's the Boy Scout motto."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's the police motto."

"Dude," Edward sighs. "I'm pretty sure our motto is to protect and serve."

The two continue to argue as they jump into Ty's cruiser.

"On my honor, I will try: To serve God and my country—" Ty says.

"Girl Scouts, man. That's the Girl Scouts, which is weird that you're able to quote that."

"I'm weird? _I'm_ weird? _You_ knew it was a Girl Scout quote."

"My sister was a Scout, you ass," Edward says, rolling his eyes. "You're an only child. What's your excuse?"

Ty shifts in his seat and gives Edward an awkward side-eye. "Forget about it, okay? Protect and Serve. That's our motto. You're right and I'm wrong, so let's drop it."

"No, now, wait a sec. You've got my full attention now. Was wittle Ty-Ty in the Girwl Scouts?"

"Shut up," Ty hisses. "We're here."

Ty swerves into the parking lot of the complex and cuts the engine. The two stare at the scene in front of them for a long moment, then exchange a dubious glance.

"You gotta be kidding me," Edward grumbles, causing Ty to bark out in laughter.

"Come on, it's kinda funny." Ty shoves on his Ray Bans and motions for Edward to do the same. "Game face on, son. Game face on."

Edward shakes his head, but a small smile spreads across his face. The two men climb out of the car, the gray clouds reflected in their shades, authority obvious in their squared shoulders and strong gait. A group of curious bystanders surrounding a low-branched tree turns at the sound of the cruiser doors slamming. They fan out, staring curiously at the handsome, stern-faced cops.

"Back up people!" Ty shouts, adjusting his belt. "Do not fear, the cops are here."

"Jesus Christ," Edward whispers with a groan.

The two men approach the tree and tilt their heads back, staring up into the branches. An insanely fat orange cat stares back, licking his paw. From where they stand, Edward swears the cat is discreetly cleaning himself while simultaneously flipping him the bird.

"Mr. Edward Elf," a sweet voice says. Small arms encircle his waist. Edward pats the little girl on the head, smiling down at her. "Mr. Nibbles is in trouble."

"You called me here for this?"

"Santa said I could call you any time there's an emergency."

Edward, not wanting to discourage Bethany from calling in case of a _real_ emergency, gives her an encouraging squeeze on one shoulder. "Bethany, how in the world did Mr. Nibbles get out of your apartment? No offense, but Mr. Nibbles doesn't look like he … gets out of the house much. How did he end up in this tree?"

Bethany releases Edward's waist, but threads her fingers in his. She glances over her shoulder when a familiar voice calls her name. Edward turns, noticing Bella crossing the distance between the apartment complex and the tree, a mutual mixture of worry and horror distressing her face. The sight of Edward causes her pace to momentarily slow before speeding back up again.

"Edward," the little girl says in a quiet voice. Edward stoops down and the girl grins, a mischievous, intelligent grin. "Do you have to come every time I call with an emergency?"

"Yes, ma'am," Edward replies, finally catching on to her game. "Each and every time, but you shouldn't call unless it's a _real_ emergency, okay?"

Bethany gives him an angelic smile, crossing her fingers behind her back. "Okay."

* * *

><p>Little Bethany is a little evil, huh? o.O<p>

Tag. Jonesn's it. And she's prolly gonna kill me for updating this without her reading one. single. word. OOPS! o.O


	8. Chapter 8

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Eight  
><strong>

**(Jonesn)**

* * *

><p>"Pacific Rim, Curious George, Magnum P. I., G. I. Blues!"<p>

Opening his mouth, Edward closes it, giving Tyler a questioning look as Mike jumps to his feet. "Movie titles that could totally pass as porns!" he yells, running around the living room, passing out air-fives to all the boys and one unamused Jessica. Perplexed, Edward leans back in his chair. G. I. Blues? He ponders. Just what kind of porn have these two been watching?

Rolling her eyes, Jessica gets up to refresh her drink and Edward follows soon after.

"So, I take it our friendly neighborhood elf hasn't received any more calls?" Jessica asks.

"What makes you say that?"

Grabbing two Heinis out of the fridge, Jessica hands Edward one.

"Your surly demeanor. You've had nothing but a big old frown on your face for the past three days. You're usually so smiley." Jessica's voice goes up an octave as she pinches Edward's cheek. Popping the cap, he ignores her pestering by taking a deep drink.

Was he really that obvious?

"You know, it says something that this girl..." Holding up a finger, Jess takes a drink then shakes her head. "I'm sorry, that this woman has denied all of your advances," she says, adding, "You're smart, sweet, and incredibly handsome. Most ladies wouldn't have hesitated to pounce." Making claw hands, she emphasizes her point, causing one of Edward's brows to raise. Chuckling to herself, Jess shakes her head again. "She's obviously been hurt bad, and possibly by someone of authority. It would explain her lack of ability to trust even the friendliest of Santa's little helpers." Smirking, Jess leans against the counter, her psychoanalyst hat securely in place. ''I'm guessing the guy was on the force himself, maybe a firefighter, someone that should have protected her, but didn't, couldn't." Nonchalant, she reaches for a chip. "Or she's just a huge, man hating, behemo-bitch." She says then shrugs. "Whichever."

Edward considers her reasoning with a pinched brow and a long pull from his bottle. It wouldn't be the first time some insecure asshole suited up just to tear the badge down. Edward hated guys like that.

The next day finds Edward scanning through online profiles, searching for any information concerning one Miss Bella Swan. The best he can come up with is a private Facebook page before he stumbles across some old articles about a fallen officer from Chicago.

According to the Chicago Tribune, Charlie Swan, had transferred from Forks Washington to become an upstanding citizen and officer on the Chicago PD. He served twenty-five years before being shot down in a convenient store robbery, leaving behind a wife and small daughter.

Edward wonders if the daughter they mention is Bella. If she came back to Forks to maybe be closer to family. Does she even have any family left? Is her mother still alive? Or has she abandoned her daughter too? One thing is for certain, what family Bella might still have doesn't have the means or desire to help. A fact proven by her need for help in supplying Bethany the simplest of Christmas presents.

Regardless, he'll gladly supply her with a lot more than that.

The vibration from his pocket sends Edward's heart racing. The last few times it's rung it wasn't who he wanted it to be, but this time... This time it is.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Edward Elf? This is Bethany Swan and I have an emergency."

* * *

><p><strong>Ya'll can blame Hoodie for this. If my ass burns, everybody's does. And for those of you interested, I've officially been put on bed rest for a cracked vagina. It's a thing. <strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Nine**

**(Hoodie)**

Edward smirks and shakes his head. "What kind of emergency? Let me guess. Mr. Nibbles is stuck in the tree again?"

Images of of Mr. Nibbles perched on a branch flipping Edward the bird plays in his mind. He chuckles as the picture fades away. Bethany doesn't giggle in response. There's a tiny sniffle from the other end of the line.

"Mr. Nibbles is fine, but my mommy isn't feeling well."

Edward stands at his desk, his heart racing inside his chest. He reaches for his cruiser keys, but knocks them from the desk in his haste. Tyler raises an eyebrow from near the water cooler, watching Edward scurry around on his hands and knees fumbling for the keys. Once they're safe in Edward's hand, he starts to stand, banging his head on the bottom of his desk.

"Son of a—" Edward coughs, covering up a curse threatening to escape. "Bethany, what's wrong with your mother? Did she fall? Pass out? Is she bleeding? Is she having difficulty breathing?"

"She didn't fall or anything. She's asleep. I tried waking her up, but she doesn't move."

Fear encases him. A dozen different scenarios run through his mind, but past experience with the little girl tells him to keep his cool, stay on the line with her, and check things out before going into full panic mode.

"But she is breathing?"

"Yes, sir." Bethany's sniffles turn into quiet giggles. "She's snoring."

Snoring, while normal in most instances can also be a sign of a head injury.

"And you're sure she didn't fall or hit her head?"

"She didn't fall. I promise."

Her reply soothes Edward's worries, somewhat. "Stay on the line with me, okay? Unless you think I should call 911 …" Suddenly he's not so sure of himself. Giving her the option may hint more on the severity of Bella's condition.

"Um, no," Bethany says, her voice edged with anxiety. "Just get here quick as you can, 'kay?" And with that, she hangs up the phone, leaving Edward stunned.

"Want me to tag along?" Tyler asks.

"Nah, I've got this … I think. I'll holler at you if things get squirrely."

Edward tries to call Bella's cell during his trip to her apartment, but there's no answer on the other end. He huffs and puffs his way up the steps one inside her building, banging on her door with gasping breaths. Bethany answers without her trademark grin, but with a tiny frown on her face. She gestures for Edward to follow her inside and he does, pausing only when he's kneeling at Bella's bedside.

The covers are tangled around her slim legs. She's resting on her abdomen, her face hidden behind her thick, dark hair. Each snore she expels blows a strand in the air before it flutters back down. The tank she wears has ridden up over her hips and sleep shorts, exposing the pale skin of her lower back. Edward gently touches her arm, shaking her and whispering her name in a firm tone.

"Bella. Bella?"

The snoring never falters. Edward and Bethany shrug at one another. He leans forward and brushes her hair from her face, touching her neck once the dark locks are tucked neatly behind her ear. Her pulse is strong and steady, her skin is warm and full of life, with her peaches and cream complexion. He runs his fingers through her hair, searching for any signs that she may have hit her head, but finds nothing.

"Bella," Edward says somewhat louder, shaking her a little harder. He glances back at her daughter. "How long has she been asleep?"

Bethany shrugs. "All day. Ms. Alice was supposed to babysit me today, but she's sick. Mommy tried to stay awake, but she couldn't."

Edward can't find anything medically—at least, nothing obvious—that indicates something is wrong with Bella, other than outright exhaustion. "What's your mom been up to the past couple of days?"

"Working." Bethany's face drops. "She worked all day and all night yesterday. Mommy always works because she has bills to pay."

Relief consumes him._ All day and all night. Of course she's exhausted._ "I think she's just tired from working so much."

Edward untangles the covers from her legs, rousing her a bit. She turns onto her side and Edward averts his eyes from her bare belly. He tucks the covers around her, carefully and quietly. Bella's eyelids flutter and she stares at him with an unfocused gaze before closing her lids once more. The snores return, soft and almost inaudible this time. Edward leads Bethany from the room and shuts Bella's bedroom door behind them.

"I'll bet you're hungry, huh?"

Bethany's perma-worry melts away. Grinning, she gives him an enthusiastic nod.

"Let's see what we've got to eat."

Edward rambles around the kitchen, looking inside the pantry and examining the cabinets, disappointed to find nothing remotely edible. "Where's the Pizza Rolls?" he asks, sticking his head in the freezer. "And the pints of ice cream?"

Bethany giggles. "It's not grocery day, silly."

"When's grocery day?"

The little girl rolls her eyes. "On _pay_day."

"And when is that?"

Bethany bites the corner of her bottom lip, looking thoughtful as she counts on her fingers. "Six more days!"

Heart sinking, Edward slams the freezer side of the fridge and pulls out his phone. He tosses it from one hand to the other, weighing his options. "You allergic to anything?"

Bethany vehemently shakes her head.

"On some kind of special diet?"

"No."

"What's your favorite food? Something you haven't had in a long time?"

Face brightening, she bounces on her heels. "Cake!"

"Cake?" Edward laughs at her childlike excitement and gleefully innocent answer. "I'm talking about a meal."

"So am I!"

Snorting, Edward scrolls through the contacts on his phone. "Guess what? I just so happen to be good friends with Mrs. Webber, who owns the bakery in town. You think I could talk her into delivering a cake on short notice?"

Eyes lighting up, she grabs his hands and squeezes it lovingly. "Mr. Edward, I think you can do anything."

* * *

><p>Contrary to popular belief, Jonesn <em>did not<em> crack her vagina, but she did push a baby out of it. Welcome to the world Baby Jonesn! *throws confetti and twirls*


	10. Chapter 10

**Operation: Santa's Elves**

**Chapter Ten  
><strong>

**(Jonesn)**

* * *

><p>As it turns out Mr. Edward can't do everything.<p>

"Oh, wait. Today's Saturday and Mrs. Webber's bakery isn't open on Saturdays." He remembers, watching as the little girl's smile falls into a frown. "But not to worry. I have a better idea."

It's Edward's better idea that brings them to Greasy Sam's. A regular stop for slow, late night shifts. Sitting across his regular booth from Bethany, Edward's heart still feels warm in his chest. Aside from being the sweetest little girl in the world, he's certain that she's also the most manipulative little thing he's ever met. A fact made evident in the half-eaten piece of chocolate cake that sits between them.

"Now, let's go over this one last time," Edward says, hailing the waitress over for the check. "What is it we're telling your mother when she asks what I fed you for dinner?"

Bethany hesitates and Edward gives her the side-eye as he fishes out his wallet. They had already been over this a hundred times. In fact, he's had better luck getting a hopped up crack addict to stay on track.

"Focus, Bethany. Remember?" He urges. "You had a..."

"Burger and fries."

Edward shoots her another look.

"And chocolate cake."

"Bethany..."

"Okay, okay. Jeez. I had a healthy serving of corn and brussel sprouts and a low cal veggie burger." Scooting to the edge of his seat, Edward clasps his hands, shooting her and then her dessert yet another look. Bethany sighs. "And absolutely no cake."

Somewhat satisfied, Edward gives a curt nod.

While a part of him feels guilty encouraging a kid to lie to their mother, he remembers Bella's wrath. He's felt the magnitude of it in his bones... all of them. And while that look she gets mildly excites him—okay, majorly excites him. He doubts feeding her kid fried slop from Sam's will be the key to winning over her heart. Besides judging by Bethany's vague concept of the word emergency, he doubts the kid's all that opposed to stretching the truth a little.

Throwing down an even twenty, he helps Bethany into her coat before slipping on his own. One more sip of coffee and he gives a single wave to his fellow boys in blue while leading his dinner date out the door. Once they're both in the squad, Edward cranks up the heat.

"Seat belt?" Edward asks, peaking in the rear view mirror. Thankfully Bethany knew something about kids and informed him of the importance of a booster seat.

"Check."

"List?"

Nodding, his partner in petty crime digs through her pocket then holds up a piece of paper. "Check."

"Mrs. Snarly Snugglebum." It takes all Edward has not to cringe while saying the name of Bethany's prized, stuffed bear that she doesn't go anywhere without.

"Check."

"Alright." With a small smile on his face, Edward slides on his shades. "Let's roll."

Next stop is the grocery store where Edward let's Bethany do all the shopping while he pushes the cart, sure to toss in a bag of pizza rolls and a pint of neapolitan ice cream while he's at it.

With Edward's coaxing Bethany doubles their usual purchase. The bags take up the whole trunk and part of the back seat. And by the time they're all loaded and they've made it back to the apartment, Edward's in no shape to take on all twelve flights of stairs.

"You guys really needs an elevator in this place." Edward says, slightly out of breath from hauling the extra weight. With her one bag, Bethany hops effortlessly ahead.

"Mommy says the steps are good for her thighs. She's not getting any younger, you know. And it beats the epileptic machine any day."

Taking the steps two at a time, Edward doesn't have the heart or breath to correct her. It's all he can do just to keep up as she races down the hall, neither one realizing the mistake they've made until they reach the apartment door and it flies open with the screech of a wildly distraught Bella.

"You!"

* * *

><p>So apparently this little fic of ours has turned into a game of chicken. I didn't think we were ever going to see any interaction between these two, but I think I finally ran Hood off the road. Painted her into a corner. Got the upper hand, and then stuck it to her good.<p>

Boom.

*drops mic and walks away*


End file.
